Have a go, I trust you.
Have a go, I trust you. When was the last time you heard someone say that to you?
Talking to parents over the years about the benefits of risk taking play has got me thinking. I often hear comments along the lines of… “Is there something like what you do but near me?” In short, I don’t know, old google will be your friend there but what I do know this isn’t something limited to a camp once or twice a year or a forest school session every now and then. Sure they will absolutely help and give you a nudge in the right direction, but this is a mindset you can adopt into your tribe wherever and whenever taking a risk comes into action. It's a mindset that can be relied upon to support your children in their play be it at the park, play ground, a field, the woods or a beach. It doesn’t really matter where they are, the opportunity to take risks is always present. (If they're not imminent, rest assured they'll find one!)
We’re all familiar with the term risk assessment, an important, essential and necessary task. But, have you heard of risk benefit assessments? The benefits of taking the proposed risk. Know the risk, weigh up the risk and if the benefits outweigh the negatives then it’s worth having a go. Life is risky, complicated business on multiple levels and learning how to manage that risk is a reality for the rest of our lives.
Another thing to note is that everybody has a different threshold of risk and that's okay. Learning how to manage our own limitations and being comfortable in them and comfortable enough to stretch them is really important.
What I have observed is that it’s us the parents who present the most challenge to their children’s risk taking ability. Granted it’s totally out of love, concern and fear of a looong wait in A&E for an x-ray!! I hear you! I am NOT saying throw all caution to the wind and let your kids crack on but what I am saying and what I want to highlight is that the words we use, the environment we create has impact, a lasting impact on the internal voices of our kids.
All of parenthood is an invitation to heal. A few nights ago I was intermittently chatting with my new pal, (as we were both getting a start on tea- the best convos are over food right??) and getting to know more about her journey through parenthood. It helped to confirm that it really doesn’t matter how you arrive into parenthood, it has the same ability to turn us all into a hot mess wherever and whenever it wants to. With that said, maybe a helpful starting point for your curiosity into this whole area of allowing your kids to engage in more risky play would be to start with yourself? To begin to notice your own response to your child’s risk taking while playing. Where does it take you to? How does that make you feel? When did you feel unsafe in your body when you were playing? Ultimately, I know that you will want your kids to trust themselves, trust their own bodies, hear their own voice of assurance and confidence and not have an angry, naggy, anxious internal parent voice screaming at them as soon as they give something a go!
Next time when you bring your kids out to play - Encourage your children to step outside their comfort zones and try new things. Be available for support, guidance and encouragement but don’t take their responsibilities of their own choices away from them because of your own fears. It’s in these small, seemingly insignificant moments of childhood that we can begin to build these infrastructures in our kid's toolbelt for managing the rest of their lives. The experts (Gabor Mate, Peter Levine, Basil Van der Kolk) all agree that actual ‘safety isn’t the absence of threat but the presence of connection’. Let me break that down a bit. I had to think hard on it. Having no risk, removing it or protecting our kids from it doesn’t lead to a sense of safety. It’s the presence of connection that does. Connection to self, to their environment around them and to safe adults. Equally, resilience is knowing and using coping mechanisms in-spite or stressful circumstances. In short, we need to allow them the freedom to connect to themselves through choices they make in order for them to feel connected to themselves. This can be so, so difficult as a parent. It throws up so much worry and what if scenarios for us. How do you even begin to move in this direction of letting go or your own fears from your childhood and your fears for your children. Did you know that your body had never lied to you? Truly, it’s never let you down in its communication to you. My body had always responded in the right way to keep me safe. Learning this recently blew my mind.
Where I fall foul of it is whether I choose to listen to the message it’s telling me or not.
‘I trust you’ is a powerful affirmation to give our kids. Giving them permission to try something and yet being nearby but not too close IF they want support! It’s a fine line. How many of us would have wanted to hear that in our childhood, teenage years and young adult years from the significant adults in our lives?
I came across a post from @Backwoodsmama a few years ago. She has a brilliant post about this that I have repeatedly referred and returned to over the years to reframe my thinking. I’ve had to unlearn and relearn new language when watching my kids play or do anything remotely risky. Instead of ‘be careful’ she gives a whole heap of other phrases we can use to help our children to begin to navigate risk and danger and to encourage them to consider the situation for themselves, listen to what their body is telling them and make informed choices based on their own evaluation. ‘Be careful’ suggests fear, worry, anxiety, that there is something out there to get them. Afterall, we want children who can regulate and assess for themselves, know when to stop, when to push and when to rest. To notice what’s happening around them and how that could impact them. I’ve linked the post below and I have also developed my own phrase chart for you to use. There's a sample at the bottom of the post.
Maybe, a first step would be to have these phrases printed out and ready to guide your kids to tune inwards and listen to their own voice. Then (if everyone is reasonably safe) begin to notice the emotions that rise in you from watching your kids play and take risks. Next, if you can, begin to start reconnecting with your body. If it doesn’t feel too out there, start to build a bridge to your own intuition and inner voice. Start the conversation, apologise to your body for not listening to her and trusting her all those years ago. If you’re not totally cringing right now it goes something like this...‘ I’m sorry (insert your name here) that I didn’t trust you or trust the message you were telling me, thank you for always being there for me even when I’ve been terrible to you.’ It begins to bridge the disconnect. If by now you’re absolutely dying with cringe remember Brene’s FFT (fucking, first time) mantra- the first time you do anything unfamiliar feels so hanus and icky. Go ahead and laugh at yourself.
How amazing would it be to a generation of humans who are in tune with what their body is telling them and they respond accordingly!
Some sample phrases to use; for full pdf click here
Tune them into their senses
● Can you hear...The birds -take stock of their surroundings, your friends shouting, how fast the rain is falling, the rustling of the leaves ?
● Can you smell… the smoke, the car fumes?
● Do you see… that big gap up ahead , the low lying branch, the muddy patch?
Progress to logical thinking… cause and effect
● With what is your body telling you and what do you need to do about it?
● What is your plan... if you climb that boulder, cross that log, to get down, move across the log, if you fall in and get wet?
● What can you use to... help you do that, get across the log?
Empowering phrases
● Have a go…
● Your body/ legs/ arms/ are… strong, working something out, helping you learn
● I trust you to make strong choices that will keep you safe and healthy
Backwoodsmama's post:
https://www.backwoodsmama.com/2018/02/stop-telling-kids-be-careful-and-what-to-say-instead.html
