Help - I don’t know where I end and where my child begins!?
No personal space?, privacy being invaded all the time?, kids talking over you, at you, to you all at the same time?, your brain is mush?...this sound and feel familiar?? Me too!! Lately, I’ve been having lots of chats with friends around home schooling, boundaries and distinguishing where you end and your children begin. Having 4 children and homeschooling as our norm should make me an expert right?? Ha! So wrong, however, here is some of my learning and resources for the topic that have helped me along the way in making it this far. It's fair to say though that the last few months have brought all of this to the NEXT LEVEL! It's been immense, intense and all of the other things associated with this wild ride .
During the last few weeks or the great human pause, as I've heard it called has been a forced opportunity for me to reflect on my life and examine what I enjoy and what I don’t, what’s hard but good and what’s hard and not good. It’s been an opportunity to realign things that have got out of sync, re-evaluate the true priorities in my life and start to make some adjustments to my ways of living and working, my health, my relationships and my general lifestyle. That is not without HUGE challenges. The corona coaster has been a wild ride of high and lows. I mean, if your kids with you all the time hasn't sent you over the edge at one point or another, then you are an official superhero! Having my kids with me ALL THE TIME has definitely given rise to some ugly responses that even I was shocked about. Right there, that ugly response is my invitation to explore what 'the actual hell was that' and an opportunity to bring healing. Otherwise, we can end up creating a home that ends up being quite controlling. We control what goes on so that it keeps everything small and familiar so that we don’t end up having to deal with anything that pushes us beyond our comfort, which for some of us is very narrow.
I've learned that there are a couple of places to start but first I had to recognise that boundaries are a shifting landscape, its not a point I arrive at indefinitely. It’s something that keeps changing and evolving as I grow and change.
1. In order to parent well, we have to adult well. Adulting takes responsibility for our lives and why we are the way we are. When we were children we couldn’t control our environments but as adults we have the opportunity to take responsibility for what our childhood was like and begin to process that. For some of us, that is really heavy work.
2. A boundary is a line drawn around yourself to distinguish where you end and your child begins. The pushing of this line evokes feelings and responses in us which to be fair has been soooo tough during this season as we are without out natural time apart blocks of school, hobbies, sports, family support etc
3. Start with me, the parent- The best gift I can give the people in my home is a happy healthy me. Meet my needs first and out of the overflow everyone else's.
This feels so counter cultural and unnatural in parenthood as we want to make sure our kids are okay and generally happy. We end up making sacrifices and cutting out times in our week to week schedule that ensures our needs are met in order to keep out kids happy. A key realisation for me is that happiness is not the goal. We have moments of happiness, it's unrealistic to expect our kids to be happy all the time or to try and create a life that makes them happy all the time is not attainable. We want children who can handle disappointments in life, have empathy for others, who are emotionally resilient so they can cope with adult life.
4. Where do I operate from?
When we live at the top end of our capacity where our boundaries are stretched we quickly end up in overwhelm and stress, which is how we end up snapping at our kids, being unreasonably angry, having over reactions rather than adequate responses. Working out how to operate from the middle to low part of my capacity has been a slow process and one which I regularly get wrong. What it does mean is that when we have seasons of stretch I don’t end up living from overwhelm and stress. I’m only at the top end of my capacity, not beyond it.
5. Your body is the best boundary you have.
Listen to it. Start to connect your body’s responses to your feelings. That sounds so simple right?? It’s probably one of the toughest things I’m learning how to recognise what’s going on within me, (how I’m feeling, what my body is telling me) and, how to connect it all up and respond healthily to the situation.There’s three things I’ve learned that help me do that.
I have to know how I am designed to tick
I have to be comfortable with that even when others aren’t
I have to maintain the boundaries against the demands of life and against the discomfort of others when we initiate a boundary that protects the first 2 points above.
This is hard, holy inner work.
6. Set it up - it is key and the fabric to your family
Start slowly- put one boundary in at a time and be consistent even if it's one small thing… brushing your teeth before bed, flushing the loo, not wiping snot on the wall.
a).Define your boundaries
Today, many households have "mini-democracies" where a child's voice or opinion is equal to those of his/her parents. In some families, the child's voice even takes over. And in other families, certain parents will even fully sacrifice his or her own needs to make their child happy. Parental boundaries allow children to grow up, to understand they can't always get their way, to be more patient and mature. Knowing that there is a limit to how much comfort and pleasure their parents will provide. Culturally, the pendulum has swung from focusing on children's behaviour (in previous generations) to focusing on children's emotions (today). With this, however, there has been an exponential rise in anxiety disorders in children and teens. Although it's extremely important for children's emotions to be heard and validated, a parent still needs to be in charge to create a secure and stable environment for their kids.
b). Make your expectations known- gives them a clear choice of their behaviour, it's not controlling them, it's giving them options of how to respond and respect you after all children have undeveloped prefrontal lobes, they need to have limited choices. Boundaries help them to feel safe. It creates predictability, rhythm, so they’re not on edge all the time wondering what’s going to happen next, how is my parent going to be now?. Boundaries allow them to live from an even resonance and not from flight or fight mode constantly being on edge, ready to respond about what could happen next. Parents are responsible for setting boundaries in the household, in order to foster an environment where their children can be heard, but also encouraged to develop patience, self-awareness, and so on. Parental boundaries allow children to grow up, to understand they can't always get their way, to be more patient and mature.
c). Manage your own behaviour:
When we get anxious about our kids, we often over-function for them and that’s when boundaries can get blurred.
Doing for your child what he can (or should) do for himself.
Constantly asking questions; interrogating your child over everything.
Letting your child invade your boundaries as a couple—making your kids the center focus at all times.
Focus on yourself and not your child - how can I communicate this better, what is their behaviour doing to me? Hold them accountable, continue your growth
d). Let your child feel the impact of a crossed boundary:
This teaches them that you respect yourself, and mean what you say. We all learn in the struggle - don’t rob them of that because you’re anxious/ worried etc. Follow through - don’t rescue them for the result of their choices.
Resources:
Enneagram- so many places to start with this. Google, insta, fb all has tons on it
‘Boundaries’ Cloud and Townsend
‘The Whole Brain Child’ - Dr Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
‘When the Body Says No’- Gabor Mate
Inside Out - film
‘I Said No’ Kimberly King
There is so much good stuff out there: here are 3 blog posts that helped me to articulate the above
