What I’m doing in this season of change.
How's the first few weeks of Autumn shaping up for you? Feeling energised? Weary? Embracing the new term? Recently, I’ve seen some blog posts about how the back to school buzz can feel like a really tense time for us all; homeschoolers, hybrid schoolers and mainstreamers alike. It's a very real dividing moment in the calendar where we go with our choices, our different educational paths and then within that measure our kids up against each other and expectations on them. It can be really unnerving and make us question our choices. As someone who is doing both - a hybrid schooler, following the traditional route and an alternative path, I totally get how unsettling this time can be. I’m in the middle of debunking it myself. Questions like; Will they be okay? Will others be kind to them? Are they learning enough? Will they have friends? Are their teachers/ peers going to like them? rattle round my brain. I think I get a double whammy of this with 1 in school and 3 home schooling.
September is also a funny month for other reasons, so much change in the air, the seasons shift quite dramatically, there's a noticeable and sudden difference in the weather and in nature, schools and extracurricular activities start back and it. can. all. fee.l overwhelming. Especially with some restrictions still in place, others lifting and it being a constant stage of flux. It can be really wearing. The lack of clarity in processes can really play on our nerves subconsciously and consciously too. Sure the business distracts but it’s definitely all still here, like a computer running with a lot of tabs open- the battery gets drained FAST! All the changes happen so quickly too and it can leave us feeling out of kilter and off balance. The story of the Little Red Hen is so relatable right now. Do you know it? It can really feel like the things we’ve taken as certain (like the sky) are suddenly all falling down.
With all that said, here’s how I’m choosing to navigate all these changes. I'm really focussing on not watching what others are doing and consciously staying in our lane. I’m staying off social media groups where everyone is posting all the amazing things their kids are doing every night of the week. I end up internalising their success and it surfaces as shame for my own lack of organisation, or at least that's what I tell myself. It’s not that I feel shamed by others' brilliance, far from it- if you've got it all sorted these first few weeks, you’re blooming marvellous and I salute you. It’s more that I feel like a second rate mum, I put myself in the failure bin. Ridiculous I know and I’m not looking for sympathy here, I’m just sharing how my internal dialogue goes. I’m trying to be more mindful of it and not let it run the show. This insecurity can spill over into my business, family life, friendships and I can feel the overwhelm bubble up! It can be alot.
I’ve also noticed over the last few months how I’m caught up in this ‘competition’ against others. Feeling things deeper, being super sensitive and feeling isolated. Funny how we can contort things that aren’t really real and before we know it, it’s more a reality then we ever wanted it to be. I know this isn’t a struggle solely exclusive to me and I know I felt better for sharing it this week in some coaching workshops in my business community. There was an overwhelming chorus of nods that followed. If you felt like sharing, I’d love to hear where this lands with you? Hit reply, leave a comment or send and email.
It then fuels an internal feeling like I have to prove myself (to whom I’m not sure) but this drive/imposter that has told me what I’m doing is not good enough and that I need to deliver more and higher quality in order to be in with a shout. I couldn’t even tell you what I find myself competing for or who I’m trying to impress or beat. I know really it’s an inward conversation that needs to be had and conditioning that needs to be teased out. - Why am I doing myself such a disservice and giving away that energy? Honestly I couldn't tell you. Imposter syndrome is for reals a big thing to wrestle.
The truth is that yes, I’ve suffered a couple of blows this year that have hurt, I mean who hasn’t had a few hurts this year, its’ been a brutal year. But, also the truth is that I’ve had a lot of huge wins. In the moment by moment measure and in the overall grand scheme of things, there has been so many winning moments. The podcast I referenced in the last newsletter by Brene Brown and Simon Sinek has been really helpful in reminding me of what success looks like to me. In short, I love what I do; homeschooling the kids, running a business, working with kids, young people and adults, adding value to others through what I do. I know this happens and I love it when you feel it too.
So with all that in mind, I’m unravelling some lies and making slow progress in allowing myself to be led through a journey of self compassion - how to be a friend to myself without just wallowing in self pity but also being brave, setting boundaries and standing up for myself not from a place of rectifying wrongs but an act of love to myself and to others. So, if you want your mind blown, have a look at Kristin Neff’s work. I link to it in this season’s newsletter
Similarly this quote has been rattling around my brain and it’s really helped me switch off from the silent battle and I’ll finish with it.
“She silently stepped out of the race she never wanted to be in, found her own lane, and proceeded to win.”
Leave a comment or get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.
Rachel x
