Pandemic Schooling Part 4: Freedom and Responsibility
Managing the moods
Applying this principle has helped us out alot so far on this journey. Naturally, it regularly goes belly up, but again we have rebooted to this so. many. times that we can work it through pretty quickly now.
This principle has been especially helpful in days like we’re in now, when everyone is on top of each other, everyone’s anxiety is high and our ability to exert control over life is sidelined. In my opinion kids need to know where the full stop is in their day to day. They also get to have more control over their day within predefined, pre agreed set parameters. I’ve found that it gives us all a channel to get a handle on moodiness, controlling behaviour and refocuses poor choices into helping us make stronger ones.
Freedom and responsibility
‘It’s not fair!’ does anyone else hear that phrase on a regular basis? It’s usually accompanied with other encouragement such as ‘ You’re the worst mum ever!’ or my personal fave ‘Where’s Dad? He’s better than you!’ Ouch.
We’ve done a lot of work with our kids around freedom and responsibilities. Trying to help them establish a good sense of ownership, choice, consequence and diligence. The idea is simple. You want more freedom, you take on more responsibility. Maybe it’s the Yorkshire ways that are rubbing off on me ‘you don’t get owt for nowt’ I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you want something bad enough you’ll work for it.
Freedom
Freedom can be anything; staying up late, time with friends, time on devices, time on social media, buying things, football, friends over… essentially anything that requires the adult’s time and energy to organise. It’s not that we don’t gladly or willingly do all of those things for our kids,we do, probably to a fault. It’s when the attitude of entitlement starts to rot over into family life. All take and no give. I have requirements for my kids. Family responsibilities. We have a house that we all live in, daily tasks that need completing, moods that need adjusting…you get the picture.
The way I figure it, we’re a team. As the parents, we get the privilege of being the captains of that team, on the pitch, battling it out with our crew. There’s a marked difference in being the manager or a team on the sidelines and being the captain of a team on the pitch, working it and reworking plays through.
Responsibility
Responsibilities include jobs at home, helping each other, listening, being polite, learning work, how we are to others, looking out for each other. All of us need help with these all the time, some present more of a challenge for individuals than others. We have discussed these and agreed on them together.
The two are connected, like opposite sides of a bridge. You can’t just saunter off over into freedoms and expect everyone else to take responsibility for you. It doesn't work now and it certainly won't help later.
On our very good, gold, shiny days, It plays out something like this.
Child A: moody, shouty, grumpy and glowering doesn’t want to put away the washing.
‘I'm not doing it’ arms folded, look of death etched deep into their face.
Parent (who of course, is always eternally calm and rational…) no problem
*Note the lack of engagement, head to head conflict, argument, general discord.
Later in the day
Child A: comes down to collect tablet
Me: whatcha up to?
Child A: its 4pm, screens
Me: Are all your responsibilities done?
Child: stomps upstairs and completes task
Me: sips tea, tries not to gloat.
Also in sabotage, where a moody child tries to dominate and control the otherwise happy-ish room. (regular feature of life)
**Key theme: It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. It’s not acceptable to take it out on or spoil things for others.
**Other key theme: tone of voice. Phil has just pointed out I need to soften the conversations… or maybe he’s just reading it like how it actually sounds in real life.
Me: I can see you’re struggling with something, can I help you?
Child: No
Me: No problem. Go ahead and take some time away from us. We’re all doing this right now, so if you can’t join at the moment please leave and come back whenever you are ready. Your mood is interrupting what we’re doing. I’ll come check on you in a bit.
Child doesn’t move, sits sulking.
Me: What’s your choice?
Child: You can’t make me leave.
Me: no, I can’t. If you’re unable to make a choice, I will make one for you because that’s my job as your parent. Carries on tasks with others.
There will be consequences for your choices. Would you like me to make a choice for you?
Child: silent
Me: takes deep breath and channels Mary Poppins/ Cruella de Vil depending on the day/ hour/ minute. Here’s a hot water bottle and a blanket, go find a cosy corner to chill, read a book or if you want to shout and scream, your pillow loves that, go ahead. (minus the antagonistic tone)
TOP TIP: It actually really helps to practise these phrases and to have a couple of options ready on the tip of your tongue so your go to isn’t to see the red rag of rage and flip the lid completely and loosen a flew expletives!!
Helpful phrases:
I can see you’re struggling/ upset/ have big feelings (try to use general terms so we’re not making assumptions about how someone is feeling)
Can I help you?
What are you choosing?
Is that your choice?
What would you like to do about that?
It’s not equal or the same.
We don’t do what’s fair, we do what’s right.
Empathise first and then help them to problem solve. Dan Siegel has some brilliant short clips on this on youtube.
At the end of the day, when the full time whistle blows, we are all just doing our best in unfamiliar circumstances, navigating as best we know how. Don’t be hard on yourself or the kids. My hope is that this somehow helps you find a slightly easier way through, like all the people I've gleaned wisdom from have made it so for me.
And if all else fails, don't forget the hot date with oneself, in the under the stairs, LOCKED cupboard, with a bottle of wine and chocolate. Any time of day is acceptable but I strongly recommend the wine closer to bedtime. Less awkward that way.
Sending love
Dan Siegel clips
https://youtu.be/aV3hp_eaoiE
https://youtu.be/ZcDLzppD4Jc
